Thank you in advance for reading the following blog content we have curated on the topic of practicing self-compassion as a mom. We’ve decided to present it in an informative and balanced third-party format so that it’s not my personal opinion that dominates, but rather a high-level overview of the topic at large – the same sentiment that’s put forth across everything we’re doing at mollybloom.com to help women who face these issues or are seeking helpful content in this area.
With all the wonderful joys and experiences being a mother may bring with it, the motherhood journey is often filled with unavoidable moments of self-doubt and criticism. Like many moms, you may have found yourself grappling with trying to be less hard on yourself while navigating all the challenges that come with parenting a child. There’s no way around it; being a mom is undeniably difficult, and the pressure to be perfect can lead to emotional exhaustion and negatively impact your self-image.
With this article, we hope to provide you with some sage advice on how to foster self-compassion and keep your head held high whatever comes your way during your parenting experiences. By providing you with a toolkit on how to foster self-compassion and maintain emotional control while being a mom, we’ll explore ways to recognize self-criticism, understand its root causes, and develop positive coping skills to manage stress.
Ready to learn about how to set realistic expectations, build a positive support network, and find balance in your life? Keep reading about ways to implement these positive strategies and how moms like you can work towards a more positive and nurturing relationship with both yourself and your family.
Recognizing the Signs of Self-Criticism
What Self-criticism looks like in the context of Motherhood
According to professional psychiatrists, self-criticism in motherhood usually presents as an intense, persistent internal dialog where a mom likely expresses hostility and contempt toward themselves [1]. In many mothers, this comes out as overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and a need to be perfect – emotions that are not exclusively felt as a mother, but may also be felt by you in your role as a wife, daughter, or employee. [2]
These feelings can seem particularly inescapable in the postpartum period, where many women are extra susceptible to increased self-criticism. Between a newfound lack of autonomy in life while caring for a newborn and heightened vulnerability from recently giving birth, it’s easy to see why new mothers can be so hard on themselves.
Some common experiences of self-doubt experienced by mothers include having unrealistic expectations of themselves though setting impossibly high standards, engaging in harmful internal dialog, trapping themselves in comparison idealized images of perfect mothers on social media and in the media, and striving for flawlessness in all aspects of motherhood that causes choices to be made in fear of making mistakes rather than pride in one’s parenting.
Mothers going through a lack of self-confidence may also be defensive and overly sensitive to what they perceive as criticism from others, or alternatively, struggle to accept positive feedback and instead respond with self-deprecating remarks. Other commonly reported self-esteem issues by moms are overthinking about past mistakes, overcompensating for perceived inadequacies, and difficulty trusting others – because if you can’t give trust to yourself, how can you give it to someone else?
Have negative feelings surrounding new motherhood been hitting your self-esteem hard? This could mean you’re experiencing symptoms of postpartum depression and anxiety; don’t be afraid to reach out to a professional or to your support system for help through this trying time. It’s important to remember that seeking assistance is an act of bravery, not weakness. [1]
Molly’s experiences of self-criticism as a mom
Molly, like many mothers, has experienced intense self-criticism in her parenting journey. She herself has borne witness to the extreme pressures put on mothers – especially those who have gone through multiple rounds of in vitro fertilization (IVF), the intensity of the birthing process, and are navigating parenthood as a single mother, where everything fundamentally falls on their shoulders.
Molly’s inner critic, like that of many mothers, has frequently reminded her of her perceived shortcomings and, at times, left her feeling guilty, inadequate, and doubtful of her parenting abilities.
Yet through vigilant self-awareness and the backstop of the accumulated confidence she’s amassed over the years overcoming one daunting feat after the next – from being a member of the U.S. Ski Team and overcoming an FBI Investigation to publishing her book and making the movie Molly’s Game – she’s been able to challenge a lot of the self-criticism and take solace in her strength. Molly’s resilience has helped to turn the tables on self-doubt and by recounting her lessons in doing so, offers moms who are going through these self-confidence struggles a roadmap to recovery.
Understanding the Root Causes
Recovery begins with analyzing the underlying reasons why mothers tend to be hard on themselves
While feelings of inadequacy are intensely personal and may feel like your own fault, the tendency for mothers to be hard on themselves often stems from a complex interplay of psychological, social, and cultural factors that have nothing to do with your value as an individual.
In fact, one significant factor behind why you may be hard on yourself was your own experience of critical parenting growing up. If you grew up with critical parents, you might have developed a harsh inner critic in response that manifested into adulthood – and subsequently motherhood [4].
Research shows that being on the receiving end of critical parenting can have lasting effects on brain structures, including the amygdala, prefrontal cortex, and hippocampus [4]. These changes to your brain can result in heightened fear and anxiety responses, increased difficulty with emotional regulation, and problems distinguishing between past traumatic experiences and current safe situations, which consequently translate into mothers potentially struggling with self-doubt and feelings lesser than when parenting their children.
Societal pressures, personal expectations, and comparisons
Of course, societal pressures also play a significant role in shaping mothers’ self-perceptions and expectations. You yourself may have fallen victim to the so-called “Supermom” myth, which perpetuates the false notion that mothers should be able to effortlessly balance all aspects of their lives. The ideal of the Supermom, of course, is unrealistic, but still will likely lead to feelings of guilt and inadequacy when you inevitably fall short of these impossible standards [5]. This pressure to be a perfect mother has only been intensified by the rise of social media, where carefully curated images of seemingly perfect motherhood fuel nonstop comparison and self-doubt.
In fact, studies have shown that 9 out of 10 women often feel judged as mothers, with 8 out of 10 even reporting experiencing criticism from their own families [6]. Such constant scrutiny can lead to a sense of being continually judged, something that often begins for many expecting mothers before childbirth.
Still, these aren’t the only sources of self-doubt among moms; personal expectations – and the failure to meet them – also contribute to self-criticism. The same aforementioned study reveals that 7 out of 10 mothers feel guilty for not meeting the standards of perfection they’ve set for themselves [6].
Insights from Molly on what triggered her self-critical thoughts
Molly’s experience with self-critical thoughts aligns with the common challenges faced by many mothers. As a single mom, she’s often found herself overwhelmed by the pressure to be a perfect mother while doing it all on her own, struggling with feelings of inadequacy, and comparing herself to the unrealistic expectations set by social media.
To elaborate, here are a few of the associated feelings that Molly has pinpointed as core triggers for self-doubt in motherhood:
- Comparison with others: Social media and societal ideals of perfect motherhood have previously caused Molly to question her parenting abilities and choices
- Balancing multiple roles: The pressure to excel in her career while being a devoted mother has sometimes left Molly feeling stretched thin and inadequate in both areas.
- Fear of judgment: Worrying about how others perceived her parenting decisions, there seems to be a small war of ideas within the motherhood community- breastfeed or formula feed, cry it out or provide comfort, gentle parenting or strict discipline? The internet is rife with contentious debate and harsh judgment
For both Molly and mothers like yourself, understanding these root causes is critical to begin the process of self-compassion and developing a more positive self relationship. Recognizing the origins of your self-critical thoughts is an important initial step to reframing these negative patterns, which ultimately leads to the more nurturing and empowering approach to motherhood you deserve to experience.
Practicing Self-Compassion
Now that you know where some of your self-doubt as a mother stems from, it’s essential that you learn how to practice self-compassion and how to be kind to yourself, even in the face of internal criticism. This means being intentionally understanding towards yourself when faced with personal failings and challenges instead of harshly judging yourself for perceived shortcomings that likely aren’t nearly as dramatic in reality.
Rather than fall victim to your internal monologue, self-compassion means accepting your imperfect humanness and recognizing that all humans suffer and make mistakes. This doesn’t mean you’re engaging in self-pity or self-indulgence; instead, self-compassion is a reminder that other mothers have had similar experiences to you and that it’s totally fine to feel the way you do, so long as you let the feelings pass instead of letting them overwhelm you.
Scientific research backs this practice up; studies show that self-compassion has numerous mental and physical health benefits. People who are more self-compassionate experience increased feelings of happiness, optimism, curiosity, and connectedness while also experiencing decreased negative emotions like anxiety, depression, rumination, and the fear of failure. With self-compassion in hand, you’re better equipped to take the necessary steps to make the life changes that will positively affect you, your child and your family.
One way to get over feelings of inadequacy is by asking yourself insightful questions. For example, is there evidence that your self-criticism accomplishes anything possible? Can you reach your goals without self-criticism? What are the negative consequences of being self-critical? Would you also use criticism to deal with a struggling friend or child? With this self-reflection in mind, you’ll be able to separate yourself from perceived inadequacies and make more thoughtful decisions as a parent.
Techniques for Self-Compassion
Likewise, you can follow several strategies to better practice kindness to yourself and limit negative internal thoughts.
- Mindful Self-Compassion: Listen to your feelings and thoughts without becoming overly identified with them [10]. Be nicer and more protective towards yourself, while also recognizing that every mother struggles with conflicting feelings and unrealistic expectations [10].
- Yoga as Embodied Self-Compassion: Mindful yoga can be used as a physical expression of self-compassion, offering kindness to the body, mind, and heart through stretching and soothing [10]. By moving out of your head and into your body, you can provide yourself with the tools to relax and reset the nervous system[10].
- Kindness Exercises: Mindfulness exercises can allow you to view yourself differently, reduce anxiety and depression, improve overall mental and physical health, and promote better sleep – a factor that is especially important as a parent with children running around[7].
- Somatic Expressions of Self-Compassion: Physical gestures such as holding out hands with palms up (mindfulness), hugging oneself (common humanity), and placing hands on the heart (self-kindness) are an incredibly simple way to practice self-compassion [11].
Setting Realistic Expectations
Never forget that setting realistic expectations is important for maintaining a healthy balance between your responsibilities as a mother and self-care. Establishing achievable goals and adjusting your expectations to match reality allows you to reduce stress and improve your overall well-being; by breaking down your aspirations as a mother into smaller, manageable tasks, you can celebrate each new mom milestone along the way [13]. This also means acknowledging that any kind of progress you make, no matter how small, is still progress.
Many mothers often juggle multiple responsibilities, including work, household chores, and parenting duties [13]. Working on developing practical time management skills is crucial to creating balance and avoiding feeling overwhelmed. Likewise, prioritizing tasks and embracing the concept of being “good enough” instead of striving for perfection can help you manage your expectations for motherhood with an extra dose of realism [13].
Always remind yourself that perfection in parenting is unattainable[14]. By setting realistic expectations, you can prioritize your needs as a mom alongside your family’s, ensuring no one’s emotional well-being is left behind.
Advice on how to balance responsibilities and self-care
- Identify priorities and values: Take time to reflect on what truly matters to you and your family. Align your goals with these values to make sure you’re focusing on what’s most important, and not giving too much importance to what’s not.[15].
- Practice flexibility: Motherhood often brings unexpected challenges. Approach your goals with adaptability and allow for adjustments as needed [15].
- Avoid comparison: Focus on your own journey rather than comparing yourself to other moms. Remember, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to motherhood [15].
- Prioritize self-care: Make self-care a priority to combat stress and burnout. This can include getting good sleep, regularly exercising, taking a break from technology and pursuing your hobbies.
- Nurture relationships: Plan regular date nights with your partner, or family playdates to strengthen community bonds and help build that all-important support system. [16].
- Celebrate achievements: Acknowledge and celebrate even the smallest accomplishments, as they all add up to your overall success as a mother [13]
It should never be understated just how much a well-built support system can help mothers overcome feelings of isolation and self-doubt[20]. This network can provide you encouragement, empathy, and a listening ear when you’re feeling alone, practical assistance to help you with daily responsibilities when you’re feeling burnt out, and personal anecdotes from others’ experiences with motherhood that can be invaluable support in times of need.[20].
Need help with how to foster this support system? Try seeking out support groups, whether in your local community or online, or engage with your loved ones for a more intimate experience. This can also mean finding like-minded mothers on social media, so long as you use the platforms healthily rather than falling into the impossible comparison trap. Once you’ve developed your chosen circle, nurture your relationships with these trusted individuals by practicing open communication and actively seeking one-on-one time. With extra helping hands and knowing you have people who care about you by your side, some seemingly daunting parenting tasks may not seem so difficult after all.
Conclusion
Motherhood is a wonderful and challenging voyage that can be an incredibly fulfilling experience, so long as you know how to quiet your self-doubt. By recognizing self-criticism, understanding its root causes, actively practicing self-compassion, setting realistic expectations, and building a solid support network around you, mothers like you and Molly can foster a more positive relationship with both yourself and your family.
Remember, being a “good enough” mother is more than sufficient, and that embracing your inevitable imperfections often leads to greater joy and satisfaction in raising your child; that kind positive of attitude is what it really means to be a “Supermom.”
References
[1] – https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.858356/full
[2] – https://sharonmartincounseling.com/moms-deserve-self-compassion/
[3] – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-act-be/202212/16-signs-of-being-raised-by-a-highly-critical-parent
[4] – https://newagepsychiatry.com/the-effects-of-critical-parenting-upon-your-self-image/
[5] – https://medium.com/@ritikagrwal/the-pressure-of-society-on-mothers-navigating-the-expectations-and-striving-for-balance-67e6f3c2caee
[6] – https://english.elpais.com/society/2023-07-09/expectations-guilt-and-social-pressure-in-motherhood-9-out-of-10-women-feel-judged.html
[7] – https://www.parentonboard.com/the-power-of-self-compassion-in-motherhood/
[8] – https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/
[9] – https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2790748/
[10] – https://centerformsc.org/self-compassion-empowers-new-mothers/
[11] – https://nutritionbycarrie.com/2023/03/self-compassion-for-shame-and-motivation.html
[12] – https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/~/media/CCI/Consumer-Modules/Building-Self-Compassion/Building-Self-Compassion—02—Barriers-to-Self-Compassion.pdf
[13] – https://www.firewithinco.com/mom-blogspot/taming-your-inner-critic-quieting-mom-guilt
[14] – https://www.quora.com/How-do-you-maintain-a-balance-between-parenting-responsibilities-and-self-care
[15] – https://sunflowermotherhood.com/blogs/blog/setting-realistic-goals-and-expectations-as-a-new-mom
[16] – https://powerofmoms.com/how-to-balance-marriage-and-motherhood-with-self-care/
[17] – https://reneeswope.com/how-to-become-a-confident-mom-turning-self-defeat-into-self-awareness/
[18] – https://www.jeddahmom.com/why-every-mom-needs-to-learn-goal-setting/
[19] – https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_kind_of_support_do_moms_need
[20] – https://ppdil.org/2024/04/maternal-mental-health-support-system/
[21] – https://parent.guide/find-mom-friends/