Thank you in advance for reading the following guide, which we have curated on a commonly shared issue that many mothers (especially new ones) face: the loss of self-identity. We understand that this can be a challenging and often isolating experience, so we have decided to present the following information in a third-party, balanced, and informative format to be as helpful as possible and help our mollybloom.com readers face these potential setbacks in stride.
Intro
Navigating motherhood is a transformative journey, but it can also come with unexpected and difficult challenges, including feeling like you’ve lost a part of yourself along the way. This experience, often referred to as the “loss of self in motherhood,” can take a toll on mental health and overall well-being, leaving many moms feeling overwhelmed and disconnected from who they were before becoming parents.
But don’t fret, there’s hope! This guide is all about empowering mothers to rediscover themselves while taking care of their families and provides practical strategies for finding a balance between motherhood and personal identity, highlighting the importance of self-care and a strong support network. With tips on managing mom guilt, sharing responsibilities, and making time for personal growth, this resource offers a roadmap for moms to reconnect with their passions, maintain their sense of self, and thrive in both their individual and caregiver roles.
Understanding the Loss of Self in Motherhood
Defining Identity Loss
When a woman becomes a mother, it’s common for her to feel like she’s lost a part of herself. This feeling of “losing oneself in motherhood” can impact many aspects of her life, making moms like you feel like they’re trying to put together a puzzle while missing pieces. Lots of women experience this struggle, trying to figure out how their life before motherhood fits in with their new role as parents.
Common Experiences
It’s common for moms to feel a bit lost and overwhelmed, unsure where they fit into the world, and often struggle to juggle being a parent with their own needs and dreams. Many moms deal with mourning the loss of their old carefree days and the freedom they used to have, as it can be hard for them to see themselves beyond just being a mom and remember who they are as individuals. They might feel like they’ve lost touch with the things they used to love and care about, or worry that they’re not doing a good job as a parent.
A lot of moms realize that being a mom has pretty much become their whole identity. In fact, a 2020 survey found that 71% of moms said that being a mom was the most defining thing about them, a number that went up to 78% specifically for moms under 30 with young kids.
Societal Expectations
Societal norms and expectations have a big impact on how women experience motherhood, sometimes leading to a loss of sense of self. The pressure to be a “perfect” mother and the need to avoid making mistakes can make a lot of women feel overwhelmed and stressed. This often causes increased parental stress and burnout, resulting in mothers feeling like they have to be in total control of everything related to the family unit and running the household.
The mental load of motherhood clearly tends to fall more heavily on women, who often take on the majority of household and family responsibilities in comparison to partners or extended family members. This oft-unequal balance can exacerbate women’s feelings that they’re losing their own identity and can cause resentment towards partners who may not fully grasp the challenges of being a round-the-clock caregiver.
It’s important to understand that feeling like you’re losing yourself in motherhood isn’t a sign of weakness or failure. It’s a widespread experience that many women go through as they navigate the ups and downs of parenthood. Acknowledging and addressing these feelings is important for the sake of your mental health and overall well-being, so certainly don’t take your ability to tackle the problem head-on for granted.
2. The Transition to Motherhood
The journey into motherhood is undeniably a big deal and can completely change a woman’s life. This whole process is kind of like going through adolescence all over again, with its own set of effects on many parts of a mother’s life. When women go through all the trials and tribulations that come with parenting, they might face some surprising challenges and emotions they weren’t expecting to come their way.
Molly Bloom, the founder of our mollybloom.com, has a story that perfectly represents the unexpected and life-altering nature of becoming a parent you may have faced yourself. After facing years of challenges to conceive her first child, Fiona, Molly constantly struggled to find stability. This path brought her many difficulties, including feeling unable to find peace of mind about Fiona’s well-being – especially when Molly had to travel. The rounds of IVF and the physical changes from pregnancy made it hard for Molly to maintain a healthy weight and a regular sleep schedule. Not to mention, juggling work and life as a single mother also made it tough for her to feel confident about handling all the new challenges.
The significant life changes that occur when transitioning to motherhood
As well-represented in Molly’s struggle to seamlessly transition into her new role as a parent, entering motherhood is a transformative journey that intensifies a woman’s physical, psychological and social dynamics. After giving birth, a woman’s body goes through major changes that require time for mothers to heal and adjust fully. Contrary to popular belief, it takes about six to nine months for your body to recover from labor and delivery fully; during this downtime, new mothers like you need to prioritize self-care and give yourself ample time to heal.
The sudden nature of this transition can be quite jarring. Unlike gradual life changes, the shift to motherhood happens almost overnight. One day, a woman is pregnant, and then all of a sudden the next day, she is a mother, marking a rapid but significant change in identity that could lead to dissociation from yourself.
Psychologically, new mothers may experience a wide range of emotions that vary from extreme joy and excitement to crippling anxiety and self-doubt. Having to handle the responsibility of caring for a baby is overwhelming and may bring feelings of uncertainty. It’s important for new mothers to seek support from friends, family, or professionals during this transition, and even more vital to remember it’s perfectly normal for you to feel this way.
Becoming a mother may also lead to changes in social perception, where you may find yourself transitioning from being seen as an individual to being identified as someone’s mother whether you want it or not. This shift could completely change your relationships with friends, family, neighbors and even within the workplace. But don’t worry – it’s completely natural for your social circles to evolve as you embrace your new role as a mother.
Remember, every new mother must work through forming and nurturing a relationship with their newborn baby while also discovering the changed status of existing relationships. Be kind to yourself and give yourself grace while you navigate these changes, and lean on loved ones when needed for extra support.
3. Balancing Motherhood and Personal Identity
Strategies for maintaining a sense of personal identity, setting boundaries and making time for oneself while being a mother
To combat the challenges associated with new mothers’ loss of identity, moms like you need to implement strategies that help preserve their individuality. Engaging in activities that brought joy before motherhood can help maintain your sense of self; even if your time is limited, try to participate in your favorite hobbies.
While traditional social outings may be challenging with a newborn baby in tow, finding new ways to connect with others is essential. Consider organizing playdates, joining book clubs, or meeting at parks and playgrounds instead of eating out at restaurants or going to the movies as potential bonding opportunities.
Likewise, taking care of yourself is not selfish but crucial. Simple acts like taking a shower, dressing up, or styling one’s hair can boost your confidence and give you a much-needed sense of personal pride. When in need, Make a list of situations that cause stress, frustration, or discomfort and look for opportunities to set boundaries that alleviate these negative feelings.
Remember to set boundaries and carve out time for yourself to maintain a healthy balance between motherhood and your personal identity, as this will allow you to avoid burnout and show up authentically for your family. Many women struggle with setting personal boundaries, but it’s critical to establish limits for your own good. Saying no to requests or obligations that don’t serve you is a powerful way to protect oneself, just like asking for help from others can also help yourself.
4. The Role of Self-Care in Reclaiming Self
The importance of self-care in regaining a sense of self
In the whirlwind of new motherhood, self-care can become a lifeline for moms seeking to reconnect with themselves. Acknowledging the significance of self-care is the initial step to nurturing your personal identity while balancing the demands of motherhood.
Still, finding time for self-care can be challenging for busy mothers – especially if you’ve already gone back to work. With that being said, there are a number of practical and straightforward ways to integrate self-care into your routine, such as:
- Morning meditation: Start your day with a brief meditation to center yourself and set a positive tone for the day ahead [15].
- Yoga or stretching: Treat yourself to a short yoga or stretching routine to release tension and energize your body [15].
- Nature walks: Take a moment to enjoy a short walk outdoors and savor the fresh air and natural surroundings, which can help shift your perspective and reduce stress [15].
- Journaling: Set aside a few minutes each day to write down your thoughts, feelings, and accomplishments, especially about motherhood. [16].
- Digital detox: Take a break from social media by temporarily removing apps from your phone or turning off notifications to protect your mental energy from unneeded comparisons [16].
- Positive affirmations: Embrace positive affirmations throughout the day to boost self-confidence and maintain a healthy mindset [16].
- Pursue hobbies: Dedicate time to activities you enjoy, even if it’s just for a few minutes each day[16].
- Prioritize rest: Allow yourself to rest when needed, especially during your child’s nap times [16].
- Create a relaxing bedtime routine: End the day with a warm cup of herbal tea or golden milk to promote relaxation and better sleep [15].
Building a Support System
It’s very important for moms to have a strong support system behind them, and the baby’s other parent usually plays a crucial role in that. Research has shown that support from a partner is incredibly influential in a mother’s overall well-being and mental health. In fact, a study of over 30,000 Australian women found that low levels of partner support were a significant risk factor for postnatal depression [1], highlighting just how vital a supportive and loving partner can be during this special time.
Before the baby arrives, many couples envision sharing childcare and household duties equally. But in reality, it often doesn’t turn out that way. Studies show that women typically handle over 75% of childcare and household work. This unequal division of labor can lead to increased stress and relationship conflict – even in progressive countries like Sweden, nearly half of the mothers surveyed expressed dissatisfaction with their partner’s participation at home.
To create a supportive partnership, it’s crucial for both partners to have open and honest conversations about expectations and responsibilities, actively participate in childcare and household tasks, offer emotional support by being good listeners and discussing parenting challenges, and give praise and encouragement where it’s due.
Still, not all mothers are in a situation where the baby’s other parent is present in their lives. Mothers facing scenarios like these should instead focus on fostering close and supportive relationships where they can, be it with family members, friends, or someone else willing to lend a helping hand.
Some ways to build this network include connecting with local parenting and baby groups or classes. You could also join postpartum support groups, catch up with friends who have recently become moms or reach out to neighbors with kids. Another great idea is to get involved in online communities for new mothers. These connections can lead to collaborative childcare arrangements, providing much-needed breaks for moms. Plus, being part of a community can offer practical support through meal trains, playdate arrangements, carpooling, or aid during times of illness or emergency.
But sometimes, professional help may be necessary. The postpartum period can bring about significant emotional challenges, and it’s essential to both recognize when additional support is needed and not be afraid to ask for health.
Mental health professionals can provide valuable guidance to mothers experiencing difficulty adjusting to their new role, relationship challenges with their partner or a lack of a partner in their life, or feelings of identity loss.
Remember, it’s totally okay to seek help from professionals. Taking care of your mental health is a great way to make sure you’re at your best during this time of change into motherhood. Consulting with a mental health professional means you may be given personalized tips to help you handle all the different feelings and difficulties that come with being a mom, and they’ll be reliable pillars of support for you as you navigate this new chapter in your life.
Conclusion
Don’t forget: Navigating motherhood while holding onto your sense of self can be tough, but it’s also incredibly rewarding. By setting boundaries, practicing self-care, and building a strong support system, moms like you can rediscover who you are and find balance in your new parenting roles.
As moms ride the ups and downs of the rollercoaster that is parenthood, it’s important to remember that self-discovery and personal growth can go hand in hand with the responsibilities of motherhood. By making self-care a priority, nurturing relationships, and embracing the metamorphosis of this maternal life stage, women like you can both successfully thrive as autonomous individuals while cherishing their role as moms.
References
[1] – https://www.therapywithgayane.com/blog/losing-identity-in-motherhood
[2] – https://dfwchild.com/identity-crisis-rediscovering-yourself-in-motherhood/
[3] – https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6230657/
[4] – https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9765384/
[5] – https://www.npr.org/2021/08/08/1024674033/theres-a-name-for-the-ups-and-downs-of-new-motherhood-its-called-matrescence
[6] – https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9334210/
[7] – https://kateborsato.com/featured/losing-identity-as-a-mom/
[8] – https://www.amazon.com/Have-Hold-Motherhood-Marriage-Dilemma/dp/0062838652
[9] – https://amotherfarfromhome.com/6-reasons-mom-loses-identity/
[10] – https://cupofjo.com/2022/08/01/new-mom-identity-crisis-solution/
[11] – https://collincountymoms.com/parenting/the-importance-of-setting-boundaries-as-woman-wife-and-mom/
[12] – https://diaryofanhonestmom.com/blog/moms-how-to-set-boundaries-with-your-kids-and-other-family-members/
[13] – https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40651677-to-have-and-to-hold
[14] – https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7081756/
[15] – https://pinkfund.org/2020/03/19/molly-self-care-tips/
[16] – https://www.whattoexpect.com/first-year/you-and-your-health/self-care-ideas-moms
[17] – https://metamonica.com/motherhood-and-self-awareness-how-being-a-mother-impacts-ones-personal-growth/
[18] – https://momwell.com/blog/rediscovering-yourself-after-motherhood
[19] – https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/power-community-nurturing-support-mothers-children-stephanie-fornaro-l182c
[20] – https://www.mollyshouse.org/our-story/