Thank you in advance for reading the following research we have curated on the topic of managing guilt as a mother. We’ve intentionally decided to present this piece in an informative and balanced format so that it’s not my personal opinion that bleeds through, but rather a holistic overview on the topic at large and what we’re doing at mollybloom.com to help women who deal with managing mom guilt. We hope you enjoy reading!
Sound familiar? This intense feeling of not being good enough, or like you’re failing to do enough for your children, can have a significant impact on moms’ mental health and well-being. Dealing with guilt has become a common struggle for mothers that may deeply affect their self-esteem – not to mention their ability to fully enjoy parenting.
It’s therefore essential to properly understand the sources of mom guilt in order to maintain a healthy parenting role and uplift your emotional well-being. With this guide, we aim to shed light on some of the primary causes of mom guilt, its effects on mental health, and practical strategies for moms like you to help overcome it.
From identifying guilt triggers to implementing self-care routines, moms like you will discover valuable insights and new tools crafted specifically to help navigate the complex emotions of motherhood. By learning to effectively cope with mom guilt, mothers can foster a more positive and nurturing environment for themselves and their families. Ready to dive in? Let’s get to it.
Understanding Mom Guilt: What It Is and Why It Happens
“Mom guilt” is a pervasive feeling experienced by mothers who believe they are not meeting their children’s needs or fulfilling their role as a “good mom” [1]. This emotional burden arises from the pressure to meet high standards of parenting – like the ones often portrayed on social media – that often leave mothers feeling inadequate [2]. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are way more common than many mothers might think, and there are effective ways to manage them to create healthier parenting patterns [2].
Common triggers
A variety of factors can trigger mom guilt:
- Comparing oneself to others: This trigger is especially difficult to avoid in the digital age where comparison is only a phone tap away. Mothers may experience guilt when they see other parents engaging in activities that they aren’t doing with their children, like making crafts together or limiting screen time [1].
- Differing parenting styles: Having a different approach to parenting to those in your social circle may lead to feelings of inadequacy, even though no one parenting style is inherently better than another [1].
- Perceived criticism: Other people can inadvertently contribute to mom guilt with offhand comments or judgmental attitudes – whether said negativity was intentional or not[1].
- Striving for perfection: The unrealistic idea of being a “perfect mom” can lead to constant worries about getting everything right and feelings of guilt when anything goes wrong, as is naturally bound to happen.[1].
- Social media pressure: Constant exposure to curated and inauthentic images of “supermoms” on social media can deepen feelings of inadequacy among moms who feel they aren’t living up to this picture-perfect reality [2].
Societal expectations
Much of mom guilt is deeply rooted in societal expectations and pressures placed on mothers, some of which have been in place for centuries. These expectations often stem from patriarchal, economic-driven and even faith-based societal structures that bombard mothers with messages about what exactly they should be doing, purchasing, and prioritizing if they want to be good mothers in the eyes of others[3]. As a result of this constant onslaught of outside messaging, mothers internalize these messages and misguidedly adjust their decision-making to the standards of others in their quest to be “good moms”[3].
The concept of mom guilt takes advantage of mothers’ biologically hardwired nature to love, care for and fulfill the desires of their children [3]. This sensitivity to others’ unmet needs can lead to a range of uncomfortable emotions like sadness, frustration, and powerlessness, which often translate into guilt [3]. If this guilt is kept up long enough, it can twist and turn into a more deeply ingrained sense of shame, which is much stickier and harder to shake.
It’s also important to be mindful that the popular cultural narrative of mom guilt being a fact of life is in and of itself problematic. This narrative perpetuates the antiquated and false notion that mothers are responsible for going above and beyond for their offspring while fathers and other members of the family unit are often let off the hook [3]. The absence of a supportive “village”-type structure in modern society only adds to the overwhelming burden placed on mothers, setting them up to feel lesser-than and unnecessarily guilty[3].
The Impact of Mom Guilt on Mental Health
As you may have experienced yourself, mom guilt can eat at a mother’s mental health in various ways and varying degrees. The constant pressure to meet unrealistic expectations can lead to a vast range of psychological issues, including but not limited to:
Stress and Anxiety
Mom guilt is closely related to anxiety, and research has shown a strong connection between the two. A 2019 meta-analysis of studies on mental health and motherhood found that about one in five pregnant and postpartum women met the diagnostic criteria for one or more types of anxiety disorders [4]. The pressure to manage the household, caregiving responsibilities, jobs, and other life obligations related to our outside of motherhood can lead to burnout and increased anxiety levels [4].
Dr. Beatrice Kutzler, OBGYN and chief of staff for Baylor Scott and White All Saints Medical Center – Fort Worth, emphasizes that mom guilt is closely linked to anxiety and depression [5]. This nonstop worry about getting everything right all the time can trigger feelings of stress, depression, and even manifest into rage [5].
Depression
Mom guilt has a strong association with depression, particularly postpartum depression. Dr. Kutzler notes that there is ample medical research relating mom guilt to postpartum depression [5], as the extreme pressures placed on mothers can contribute to the development of depressive symptoms [4].
Research suggests that feelings of guilt and shame significantly increase parents’ levels of depression, stress, and anxiety [6]. Studies have shown that guilt surrounding various aspects of parenting, such as a child’s postnatal problems, nursing difficulties, or an adolescent’s mental health issues, can sabotage mothers’ health, happiness, and ability to parent effectively [6].
Self-esteem Issues
Mom guilt has the power to erode a mother’s self-esteem and self-worth – especially as many mothers have difficulties embracing the beauty and power of their postpartum bodies. Constant feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt surrounding child rearing can lead to a negative self-image, which unfortunately may lead to a decreased sense of confidence in one’s parenting abilities.
Dr. Kutzler advises that when mothers start to feel “less than,” they should try to narrow down their racing thoughts to find the origin of their fears. She suggests questioning whether someone else is making them feel that way, or if the expectations they’ve set for themselves are driving these emotions [5].
To address these mental health impacts, mothers must practice self-compassion and give themselves the grace they deserve. Research has shown that self-compassion can be an effective antidote to debilitating self-talk and guilt. A study published in the Journal of Pediatric Psychology found that when parents of children hospitalized with burn injuries practiced self-compassion, they experienced fewer symptoms of depression and post-traumatic stress syndrome compared to those that didn’t [6].
By addressing mom guilt’s impact on mental health, mothers can work towards a more balanced and compassionate approach to parenting that ultimately benefits both themselves and their children – both in the short and long term.
Identifying Triggers of Mom Guilt
As mothers like you may have noticed, mom guilt is a complex emotion that can be triggered by a wide variety of situations and experiences. Understanding these triggers – like work-related guilt, feeling bored or wanting time away from children, feeding choices and the aforementioned social media comparison and perceived criticism – is vital for mothers to stop the downward
Our founder Molly, like many mothers, has dealt with several of these common situations, including social media comparison. Yet, it’s perhaps her own unique path to motherhood and what she had to persevere through to get there that’s created the strongest feeling of mom guilt.
In particular, Molly went through nine rounds of IVF (in vitro fertilization) during which – after many failed efforts to develop a baby and tens of thousands of dollars spent – a fair amount of the doctors she consulted with began to lose hope with the process.
Molly has said, “The thing about mental health is, if we continue to live in a state of stress and uncertainty, it’s an unsustainable state and things start to break down. Becoming a mother was a reckoning for me, it’s one thing to drive myself into the ground, I could not, and almost did, take my daughter on that ride with me. Unfortunately, and all too often, we undervalue our own needs, and becoming a mother can be an opportunity to learn how to love ourselves, maybe for the first time, but it takes a major shift in mindset, and resources that too many mom’s do not have access to.
Later on, once Molly became a single mother, it was nearly impossible for her not to feel some guilt for not being able to provide the child with a co-parent or father figure – an issue also perpetuated by hegemonic societal attitudes.
Molly began identifying many of these stressors as not only harmful, but also unnecessary impediments to a healthy motherhood and child nurturing process, and she subsequently began working on her own set of strategies to skillfully manage and resolve these issues.
More broadly speaking, by recognizing their triggers, mothers like you and Molly can begin to address feelings of guilt and work towards a more balanced and compassionate approach to parenting.
Strategies for Managing Mom Guilt
Though it may feel overwhelming at the start, properly managing mom’s guilt involves implementing a set of practical strategies and developing a mindset that prioritizes self-care and realistic expectations.
Here are some proven methods to help mothers overcome guilt and find balance in their parenting journey:
- Practice self-compassion: Recognize that motherhood is challenging, and it’s normal to make mistakes. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend facing similar struggles [12].
- Identify guilt triggers: Take note of situations that spark feelings of guilt. This awareness helps in recognizing patterns and addressing specific concerns more effectively [12].
- Challenge negative thoughts: When guilt arises, question the nature and source of these thoughts. Ask yourself if there’s evidence to support them or if they’re based on unrealistic expectations [13].
- Prioritize self-care: Taking care of yourself is crucial for being a better parent. Establish a consistent self-care routine in order to recharge and allow yourself to be more present with your children [13].
- Seek support: Surround yourself with supportive people who validate your choices and experiences. Consider joining mom groups or seeking professional help if guilt becomes overwhelming [13].
- Practice mindful breathing: When guilt creeps in, take a few deep, mindful breaths. This simple technique has the power to calm racing thoughts and reduce stress [13].
- Limit social media exposure: Avoid comparing yourself to curated images of “perfect” parenting on social media. If scrolling makes you feel worse, consider taking a break or muting certain accounts [12].
- Differentiate between valid and unfounded guilt: Learn to distinguish between guilt that stems from violating your own values (valid) and guilt arising from societal expectations (unfounded) [12].
- Keeping a journal to record your thoughts and feelings can help identify the sources of guilt and track progress in overcoming it [13].
By implementing these strategies, mothers like you can work towards handling their mom guilt like a pro and enjoying a more balanced and fulfilling parenting experience.
The Importance of Self-Care
As we mentioned before, self-care has a major impact on mothers’ mental, physical, and emotional well-being. For mothers struggling with guilt, self-care can be a powerful tool to alleviate these feelings and improve their overall well-being.
Self-care helps build practical coping skills to manage stress and reduce the impact of depression and anxiety [15]. By engaging in self-care activities, mothers can safeguard their mental health, feel more relaxed and better equipped to handle the challenges of parenting [17].
Many mothers worry about being perceived as selfish when practicing self-care. However, it’s crucial to understand that self-care and selfishness are two entirely different concepts [18]. Self-care means ensuring that one’s needs are met to be capable of helping others, while selfishness involves not considering others at all [18].
Molly definitely sympathizes with mothers who experience heavy or acute guilt when taking time for themselves. However, she believes that in changing one’s perspective on self-care, specifically by considering how she’d like her children to approach their own mental and physical well-being in the future, can help alleviate feelings of guilt and even rebrand self-care as a positive daily regimen to share with her children.
Molly also emphasizes that to be the best mom one can be for their kids, a mom needs to be at her best self. That means saying no when it’s needed and making sure each day that moms connect with their authentic selves.
Seeking Professional Help
When mom guilt becomes overwhelming, seeking professional help can be an important step towards managing these feelings effectively. Mothers should be encouraged to reach out to mental health professionals, support groups, or other resources that can provide guidance and support [21]. These services offer opportunities for mothers to work through their emotions and develop healthy coping strategies.
When assessing if mom guilt is turning into something more serious, like depression, doctors typically run through a series of questions to determine the root cause and develop a plan of action [5]. It’s important to address these feelings early, as Dr. Kutzler warns that if guilt continues to grow, it can lead to resentment towards family members and affect long-term relationships with children [5].
Several resources and services are available to help mothers manage mom guilt. If you find that your mom guilt is affecting your life in an overwhelmingly negative way, consider:
- Therapy: Speaking with a therapist can be highly beneficial in working through feelings of guilt and determining positive coping strategies [21].
- Support groups: These provide a safe space for mothers to connect with others experiencing similar challenges [21].
- Postpartum depression hotlines: These services offer immediate support for mothers struggling with postpartum depression and related issues [21].
- Online forums: These platforms allow mothers to share experiences and seek advice from others in similar situations. However, beware of taking the advice of strangers online too seriously. [21].
- Local support services: Community-based resources, especially family-oriented ones, can provide valuable assistance and guidance [21].
- Couples therapy: This can be a helpful tool for partners to work through challenges together and create a solid foundation of love and support throughout the parenthood journey[22].
- Perinatal mental health experts: These specialists can provide targeted support specially tailored for new mothers [22].
Conclusion
Don’t let feelings of inadequacy get you down; navigating the complexities of mom guilt is a journey that requires self-compassion, support, and practical strategies. By understanding its root causes, recognizing triggers, hearing anecdotes from fellow mothers like Molly and implementing effective coping mechanisms, mothers can work towards a more steady and fulfilling parenting experience. The importance of self-care cannot be overstated, as it plays a crucial role in maintaining mental health and overall well-being.
As we’ve seen through Molly’s experiences, overcoming mom guilt is possible with the right tools and mindset. Remember, seeking help when needed is a sign of strength, not weakness.
To learn more about managing mom guilt and empowering yourself through challenging stages, reach out to Molly for guidance and support. By taking steps to address mom guilt, mothers can create a more positive environment for themselves and their families, ultimately leading to stronger relationships and a more joyful parenting journey.
References
[1] – https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-pros-and-cons-of-mother-guilt
[2] – https://www.choosingtherapy.com/mom-guilt/
[3] – https://revolutionfromhome.com/2023/03/mom-guilt-is-bullsht/
[4] – https://www.wgbh.org/news/local/2024-05-01/wake-up-well-dealing-with-mom-guilt-and-mothers-mental-health
[5] – https://www.bswhealth.com/blog/4-ways-to-cope-with-mom-guilt
[6] – https://www.washingtonpost.com/parenting/2022/08/09/mom-guilt-self-compassion/
[7] – https://diaryofanhonestmom.com/blog/what-is-mom-guilt-its-the-worst-and-grace-is-the-answer-tips-for-kicking-guilt-to-the-curb/
[8] – https://www.today.com/health/mind-body/mom-guilt-rcna151743
[9] – https://health.clevelandclinic.org/mom-guilt
[10] – https://lemonstripes.com/motherhood/mom-guilt/
[11] – https://www.quora.com/Whats-your-story-of-mommy-guilt-and-how-you-got-past-it
[12] – https://www.therapistsofny.com/1blog/2022/12/26/understanding-and-managing-mom-guilt
[13] – https://www.betterup.com/blog/mom-guilt
[14] – https://www.whattoexpect.com/family/7-ways-to-deal-with-mom-guilt
[15] – https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/mindfulness/why-self-care-is-important-for-mothers/
[16] – https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/self-care-examples
[17] – https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7081756/
[18] – https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/mindfulness/how-to-create-a-solid-self-care-routine/
[19] – https://www.livingopenhearted.com/post/mom-guilt
[20] – https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/what-mom-guilt-5-steps-make-sure-moms-prioritize-gina-zapanta
[21] – https://www.instagram.com/molly.millwood.phd/p/CK91sGFheRl/
[22] – https://www.family-institute.org/behavioral-health-resources/maternal-guilt-and-moms-sense-self